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The Comedy Corner: Dogs

1 Nov

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. – Steve Bluestein

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I like driving around with my two dogs, especially on the freeways. I make them wear little hats so I can use the carpool lanes. – Monica Piper

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I just bought a Chihuahua. It’s the dog for lazy people. You don’t have to walk it. Just hold it out the window and squeeze. – Anthony Clark

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I’ve heard that dogs are man’s best friend. That explains where men are getting their hygiene tips. – Kelly Maguire

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I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers. – Rodney Dangerfield

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They say a dog is man’s best friend, but I don’t buy it. How many of your friends have had you neutered? – Larry Reeb

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A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you. – Jay Leno

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I have a dog that’s half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip. – Craig Shoemaker

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*A special thanks to “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown for providing me with these great quotes.*

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The Comedy Corner: Halloween and Monsters

31 Oct

When I was twelve I went as my mother for Halloween. I put on a pair of heels, went door to door, and criticized what everyone else was wearing. – Robin Bach

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I learned something the other day. I learned that Jehovah’s Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don’t like strangers going up to their door annoying them. – Bruce Clark

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When  I was in college, I came up with the perfect Halloween costume. I wore cat ears and angel wings and carried a pitchfork, and went as every girl on campus.

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On Halloween I ran out of candy and had to give the kids nicotine gum. – David Letterman

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When I was a kid my parents always sent me out as a tramp: high heel shoes, fishnet stockings… – David Letterman

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Last Halloween was bad for me. I got real beat up. I went to a party dressed as a pinata. – Jim Samuels

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Here’s a news item: The Loch Ness Monster surfaced today and asked if she had any messages. – George Carlin

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In scary movies, people always get bitten in the neck. To me, that means they don’t even try to run. If a vampire gets close to me, I’m off and running away! When they find my body, the police will say, “Call the X-Files. This man has two holes in his butt, and no blood in his body.” – Sinbad

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During a lunar eclipse, werewolves get stuck with just sideburns and a goatee. – Craig Kilborn

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*A special thanks to “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown for providing me with these great quotes and Google Images for the pictures.*

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The Comedy Corner: Husbands

28 Oct

I want my husband to take me in his arms and whisper those three little words that all women long to hear: “You were right.” – Kelly Smith

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I’ve been asked to say a couple words about my husband, Fang. How about, short and cheap? – Phyllis Diller

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He was cheating on me with his secretary. I found lipstick on his collar, covered with Wite-Out. – Wendy Liebman

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I asked my husband if he wanted to be in the room with me when I gave birth. He said, “It would have to be a big room, and there would have to be a bar at one end.” – Rita Rudner

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My husband is dead. At least I know where he is. He’s on the mantelpiece. – Dame Edna Everage

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Men are married about six months, and they can’t even dress themselves anymore, “Honey, does this tie go with my underwear?” – John Mendoza

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I don’t see myself as a married guy. I still see myself as a pirate. – Adam Ferrara

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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. – Joan Rivers

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For men, upon marriage you lose the ability to choose clothing for yourself. “Honey, what do you think? A striped shirt and a solid tie, or a solid shirt and a pair of mukluks? A Beatle wig and a grass skirt? Tell me, because I haven’t used that part of my brain in several years. Why don’t you just choose something, lay it out, and I’ll be in the crib until we have to leave.” – Paul Reiser

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Never bad-mouth your ex-husband to your kids. Because if you do, then you ruin the moment when they figure it out all by themselves. – Cory Kahaney

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I married Mr. Right. Mr. Always Right. – Lotus Weinstock

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My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. – Roseanne Barr

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*A special thanks to “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown for providing me with these great quotes.*

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The Comedy Corner: Men

27 Oct

Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. – Tim Allen

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Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything. – Tim Allen

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Men are like flowers. If you don’t know how to handle a rose, you get stuck by a couple of pricks. – Margot Black

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Men are like pay phones. Some of them take your money. Most of them don’t work, and when you find one that does, someone else is on it. – Catherine Franco

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Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts, and batteries for the remote control. – Diana Jordan

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Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture. – Rita Rudner

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A man is only as faithful as his options. – Chris Rock

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Men are delusional. Hugh Hefner lounges around in a bathrobe with three live-in girlfriends. You know guys are sitting at home watching the Playboy channel and thinking, “That could be me. I’ve got a bathrobe.” – Denise Munro Robb

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When men get together there’s a lot of ego at stake. Ever see two guys meet each other for the first time? Within five minutes, there’s a top-it contest of life achievements. The first guy will say something innocuous like, “When I was a kid, I went to the last game when the Mets won the World Series.” The other guy goes, “I went to Woodstock. Sat on a speaker.” “I’m on a first-name basis with the Unknown Soldier.” “I was the busboy at the Last Supper.” “I remember you. How did you like the tip?” – Joe Bolster

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Men don’t settle down. Men surrender. – Chris Rock

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Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. – Rita Rudner

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*A special thanks to “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown for providing me with these great quotes.*

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The Comedy Corner: Birth

26 Oct

She’s screaming like crazy…You have this myth you’re sharing the birth experience. Unless you’re circumcising yourself with a chainsaw, I don’t think so. Unless you’re opening an umbrella up your [butt], I don’t think so! – Robbin Williams

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I don’t get no respect. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother. – Rodney Dangerfield

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It was probably a coincidence, but right after I was born, my mom and dad left town. – Bob Hope

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I’ve always, always wanted to give birth. To kittens. I figure it would hurt less, and when you’re done, you’d have kittens! – Betsy Salkind

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When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently I was rereading it. It said: “Day One: Still tired from the move. Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot.” – Steven Wright

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People are giving birth underwater now. They say it’s less traumatic for the baby because it’s in water. But certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool. – Elayne Boosler

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When I was born I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year and a half. – Gracie Allen

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We had a C-section. That’s when the baby comes out like toast. – Bobcat Goldthwait

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I was born by Cesarean section, but you can’t really tell. Except that wen I leave my home, I always go out the window. – Steven Wright

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The doctor turned to me and asked, “Mr. Goldthwait, would you like to cut the cord?” And I said, “Isn’t there anyone more qualified?” – Bobcat Goldthwait

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*A special thanks to “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown for providing me with these great quotes and to Google Images for providing me with these pictures.*

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The Comedy Corner: Cars

25 Oct

Bugatti Veyron Super Sport

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I have one of those real old American-built cars. The kind that just punches through accidents. – Jim Samuels

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They design the car alarm so it will behave as if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, disturbs it, “Aaaaaahhhhhhh!” Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? Somebody tries to break in, it goes, “Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?” – Jerry Seinfeld

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Hennessey Venom GT

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I’ve finally got a car that turns heads. Mostly because of the knocking, rattling, and backfiring. – Reno Goodale

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My license plate says PMS. Nobody cuts me off. – Wendy Liebman

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Koenigsegg Agera R

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I’ve never known a man who wasn’t deeply attached on a very emotional level to his beloved vehicle. Whether it was a piece of junk or a masterpiece made no difference. They rode in their metal boxes and were in control of their lives. I think I know why so many men are afraid to make a commitment to women. It’s because we can’t be steered. – Rita Rudner

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When you’re a dad you can’t keep your cool car. Fancy stereo, power windows, sunroof; the kids are going to kill all that stuff. Take an ordinary cookie. In the hands of a kid it becomes a sugar hand grenade. You have to take the car into the shop because chocolate chips are  clogging the carburetor. – Sinbad

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SSC Ultimate Aero

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My boyfriend, like a lot of men, takes great pride in his car. Honey, his car is detailed, waxed, and vacuumed weekly. On the other hand, my car looks like a really big purse. – Diane Nichols

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There is truth in what they say about the sexes. Men like cars; women like clothes. I also like cars because they take me to clothes. – Rita Rudner

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Saleen S7 Twin-Turbo

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Driving hasn’t been the same since I installed fun-house rearview mirrors. – Steven Wright

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I’m having car problems. My Check Engine light came on today. But I couldn’t check it; there was too much smoke. Then the Game Over light came on. I hadn’t seen that one before. – Dobie Maxwell

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Koenigsegg CCX

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Every time I go to a mechanic, they look at me like I’m stupid, “It’s a gasket, honey.” I know what a gasket is; it’s $150. But a “gasket, honey” is $200. – Emily Levine

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My husband’s car goes from zero to sixty in ten seconds, and that makes him happy. I just don’t know why he’s ever want to do that. Maybe someday he’ll find an open stretch of road and play Frisbee with himself. – Rita Rudner

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McLaren F1

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I had my car towed. There’s nothing wrong with it. That was just cheaper than buying a tank of gas. – Jay Leno

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I took my car down to see what I could get for it on a trade-in. The dealer took a look at it and offered me a ballpoint pen. – Henny Youngman

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Gumpert Apollo

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*A special thanks to “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown for providing me with these great quotes and SuperCars.Org for providing me with these pictures of some of the top ten fastest cars in the world.*

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The Comedy Corner: Dating

21 Oct

What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked. – Jerry Seinfeld

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It costs a lot of money to date. I took a girl out to dinner the other night. I said, “What’ll you have?” She said, “I guess I’ll have the steak and lobster.” I said “Guess again.” – Skip Stephenson

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I went out out to dinner with a Marine. He looked across the table and he goes, “I could kill you in seven seconds.” I go, “I’ll just have toast then.” – Margaret Smith

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Going out with a jerky guy is kind of like having a piece of food caught in your teeth. All your friends notice it before you do. – Livia Squires

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I had no luck with dating. My biggest thrill was self-inflicted hickies. – Rodney Dangerfield

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I hate first dates. I made the mistake of telling my date a lie about myself, and she caught me. I didn’t think she’d actually demand to see the bat cave. – Alex Reed

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I was on a date recently and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. – Susie Loucks

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Dinner is a waste on a first date, because you don’t want the guy to see how much you can really eat. “He’ll find out soon enough that I can put my entire head in a Haagen Dazs tub.” – Maryellen Hooper

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Dating is dumb. Basically you’re making false judgments based on false exteriors. Oh, sure my superficial self likes your superficial self, but the real me likes your roommates. – Margot Black

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Dating is a lot like sports. You have to practice; you work out; you study the greats. You hope to make the team, and it hurts to be cut. – Sinbad

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If a man lies to you, don’t get mad; get even. I once dated a guy who waited three months into our relationship before he told me he was married. I said “Hey, don’t worry about it. I used to be a man.” – Livia Squires

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*A special thanks to “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown for providing me with these great quotes and to Google Images for providing me with these pictures.*

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The Comedy Corner: Crime and Police

20 Oct

Some guy broke into our house last week.  He didn’t even take the TV. He just took the remote control. Now he drives by and changes channels on us. – Brian Kiley

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Thanks to the Internet I had my identity stolen a few months ago, and my credit actually improved. I’m dating now, have a new car. Life is good. – Steve Moris

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We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. – Robbin Williams

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I woke up one morning and realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I got my roommate and showed him. I said, “Look at this, everything’s been replaced with an exact replica!” He said, “Do I know you?” – Steven Wright

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In Berlin, a laundromat was raided because it was a front for a brothel. You know what tipped police off? Men doing laundry. – Jay Leno

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I used to get beaten up by these green berets in my neighborhood. Some people call them Girl Scouts. – Tom Cotter

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I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know…I should have heard them hiding. – Emo Philips

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We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. – Jeff Marder

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Ninety-eight percent of the adults in his country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It’s the other two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. – Lily Tomlin

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If you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me. – Bobcat Goldthwait

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A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. – Dennis Miller

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The highway cop said, “Walk a straight line.” I said, “Well Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves.” He said, “You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?” I thought, “Oooh, a paradox!” – Emo Philips

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A cop pulled me over the other day and scared me so bad I thought I stole my own car. – Chris Rock

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*A special thanks to “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown for providing me with these great quotes and to Google Images for providing me with these pictures.*

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The Comedy Corner: Clichés

19 Oct

If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. – George Carlin

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Why do they say, “Give it the old college try?” Based on our experience, “the old college try” would consist of sleeping in for four years and not giving a damn. – Lee Curtis and Jon Berahya

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A  day without sunshine is like, you know…night. – Steve Martin

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The early bird gets the worm. I’d rather sleep in and have toaster muffins. – Shirley Lipner

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Blood may be thicker than water, but it is still sticky, unpleasant, and generally nauseating. – Janeane Garofalo

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My mom always says, “Keep your chin up.” That’s how I ran into the door. – Daryl Hogue

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Where there’s a will, there’s a family fighting over it. – Buzz Nutley

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People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door. – Morey Amsterdam

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The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. – Flip Wilson

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They say when you die there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. When my father dies, he’ll see the light, make his way toward it, and then flip it off to save electricity. – Harland Williams

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An apple a day keeps the doctor away. My HMO also says that’s the best they can do for me. – Charlotte Lobb

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It’s true that misery loves company. If you ever doubt that, look at a No-Pest Strip. It’s covered with flies. You’d think that the first fly would tell any others “Go around! Go around!” – Margaret Smith

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If money can’t buy you happiness, then I guess I’ll have to rent it. – Weird Al Yankovic

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A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice. – Bill Cosby

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You are what you eat. Which makes me cheap, quick, and easy. – Dave Thomas

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Some say it’s what’s on the inside that counts. If that were true about women, Playboy would be running centerfolds of brain tissues and gall bladders. – Christy Murphy

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*A special thanks to “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown for providing me with these great quotes and to Google Images for providing me with these pictures.*

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The Comedy Corner: Cats

18 Oct

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One thing you can say about cats. They don’t have to worry about kissing each other’s [butts]. They can do that for themselves. – Dwight

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I gave my cat a bath the other day; they love it. He enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that… – Steve Martin

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If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it? – Steven Wright

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My cat was up all night throwing up. So obviously I was up all night holding her hair. – Sarah Silverman

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My cat was limping, and the vet said he had a bad knee. I didn’t even know cats had knees. But I know nothing about the feline anatomy; if the vet told me the cat needed new batteries I couldn’t argue. But I’m not at the complete mercy of the vet. There’s a built-in price constraint. I can always get a new kitty for nothing. Let’s face it: High vet bills make it difficult to respect the sanctity of life. Fluffy might be cute and you might love Fluffy, but Fluffy’s not getting a liver transplant. No donor list for kitty cats. – Jeff Stilson

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Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. – Jeff Valdez

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I found our cat today. I would have found him a week ago,but we’ve got a grass bag on the lawn mower. – Emo Philips

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In my more depressed moments, I believe my cats suffer from Stockholm syndrome. You know, where the hostage falls in love with the captor, as an adaptive mechanism. – Betsy Salkind

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My wife’s cats have been neutered and declawed, so they’re like pillows that eat. – Larry Reeb

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I bought a generic cat. It only had five lives. – Buzz Nutley

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I don’t see the purpose of cats. Dogs can protect you, can sniff out things, and can be your eyes if you’re blind. Could you imagine a seeing-eye cat? The first person who walks by with an untied shoelace, and you’re history. – Christine O’Rourke

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I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it’s because it’s cold in there. And I’m like,”How did my mother know that?” – Wendy Liebman

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People do crazy things when bored. I’m sitting at home with nothing to do, looking at the cats, and think, “I’ll teach the cats to wrestle.” You should never teach cats to wrestle, but if you do, here’s how: Get two cats. Take cat number one, and rub catnip all over him. Put him next to cat number two. The rest just sort of happens. – Basil White

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*A special thanks to “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown for providing me with these great quotes.*

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