I want my husband to take me in his arms and whisper those three little words that all women long to hear: “You were right.” – Kelly Smith
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I’ve been asked to say a couple words about my husband, Fang. How about, short and cheap? – Phyllis Diller
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He was cheating on me with his secretary. I found lipstick on his collar, covered with Wite-Out. – Wendy Liebman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I asked my husband if he wanted to be in the room with me when I gave birth. He said, “It would have to be a big room, and there would have to be a bar at one end.” – Rita Rudner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband is dead. At least I know where he is. He’s on the mantelpiece. – Dame Edna Everage
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men are married about six months, and they can’t even dress themselves anymore, “Honey, does this tie go with my underwear?” – John Mendoza
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don’t see myself as a married guy. I still see myself as a pirate. – Adam Ferrara
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name. – Joan Rivers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For men, upon marriage you lose the ability to choose clothing for yourself. “Honey, what do you think? A striped shirt and a solid tie, or a solid shirt and a pair of mukluks? A Beatle wig and a grass skirt? Tell me, because I haven’t used that part of my brain in several years. Why don’t you just choose something, lay it out, and I’ll be in the crib until we have to leave.” – Paul Reiser
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Never bad-mouth your ex-husband to your kids. Because if you do, then you ruin the moment when they figure it out all by themselves. – Cory Kahaney
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I married Mr. Right. Mr. Always Right. – Lotus Weinstock
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. – Roseanne Barr
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*A special thanks to “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown for providing me with these great quotes.*
Tags: Adam Ferrara, Cory Kahaney, Dame Edna Everage, Divorce, Kelly Smith, Phyllis Diller, Rita Rudner, Roseanne Barr
