When I was twelve I went as my mother for Halloween. I put on a pair of heels, went door to door, and criticized what everyone else was wearing. – Robin Bach
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I learned something the other day. I learned that Jehovah’s Witnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don’t like strangers going up to their door annoying them. – Bruce Clark
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When I was in college, I came up with the perfect Halloween costume. I wore cat ears and angel wings and carried a pitchfork, and went as every girl on campus.
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On Halloween I ran out of candy and had to give the kids nicotine gum. – David Letterman
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When I was a kid my parents always sent me out as a tramp: high heel shoes, fishnet stockings… – David Letterman
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Last Halloween was bad for me. I got real beat up. I went to a party dressed as a pinata. – Jim Samuels
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Here’s a news item: The Loch Ness Monster surfaced today and asked if she had any messages. – George Carlin
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In scary movies, people always get bitten in the neck. To me, that means they don’t even try to run. If a vampire gets close to me, I’m off and running away! When they find my body, the police will say, “Call the X-Files. This man has two holes in his butt, and no blood in his body.” – Sinbad
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During a lunar eclipse, werewolves get stuck with just sideburns and a goatee. – Craig Kilborn
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*A special thanks to “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown for providing me with these great quotes and Google Images for the pictures.*