
Men are liars. We’ll lie about lying if we have to. I’m an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. – Tim Allen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything. – Tim Allen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men are like flowers. If you don’t know how to handle a rose, you get stuck by a couple of pricks. – Margot Black
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men are like pay phones. Some of them take your money. Most of them don’t work, and when you find one that does, someone else is on it. – Catherine Franco
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts, and batteries for the remote control. – Diana Jordan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture. – Rita Rudner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man is only as faithful as his options. – Chris Rock
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men are delusional. Hugh Hefner lounges around in a bathrobe with three live-in girlfriends. You know guys are sitting at home watching the Playboy channel and thinking, “That could be me. I’ve got a bathrobe.” – Denise Munro Robb
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When men get together there’s a lot of ego at stake. Ever see two guys meet each other for the first time? Within five minutes, there’s a top-it contest of life achievements. The first guy will say something innocuous like, “When I was a kid, I went to the last game when the Mets won the World Series.” The other guy goes, “I went to Woodstock. Sat on a speaker.” “I’m on a first-name basis with the Unknown Soldier.” “I was the busboy at the Last Supper.” “I remember you. How did you like the tip?” – Joe Bolster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men don’t settle down. Men surrender. – Chris Rock
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. – Rita Rudner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*A special thanks to “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown for providing me with these great quotes.*
Tags: Chris Rock, Comedy Thesaurus, Hugh Hefner, Last Supper, Mets, Rita Rudner, Tim Allen, World Series