Some guy broke into our house last week. He didn’t even take the TV. He just took the remote control. Now he drives by and changes channels on us. – Brian Kiley
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Thanks to the Internet I had my identity stolen a few months ago, and my credit actually improved. I’m dating now, have a new car. Life is good. – Steve Moris
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We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. – Robbin Williams
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I woke up one morning and realized that someone had broken in the night before and replaced everything in my apartment with an exact replica. I got my roommate and showed him. I said, “Look at this, everything’s been replaced with an exact replica!” He said, “Do I know you?” – Steven Wright
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In Berlin, a laundromat was raided because it was a front for a brothel. You know what tipped police off? Men doing laundry. – Jay Leno
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I used to get beaten up by these green berets in my neighborhood. Some people call them Girl Scouts. – Tom Cotter
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I was walking through the park. I had a very bad asthmatic attack. These three asthmatics attacked me. I know…I should have heard them hiding. – Emo Philips
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We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. – Jeff Marder
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Ninety-eight percent of the adults in his country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It’s the other two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them. – Lily Tomlin
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If you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me. – Bobcat Goldthwait
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A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. – Dennis Miller
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The highway cop said, “Walk a straight line.” I said, “Well Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves.” He said, “You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?” I thought, “Oooh, a paradox!” – Emo Philips
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A cop pulled me over the other day and scared me so bad I thought I stole my own car. – Chris Rock
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*A special thanks to “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown for providing me with these great quotes and to Google Images for providing me with these pictures.*
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