If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. – George Carlin
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Why do they say, “Give it the old college try?” Based on our experience, “the old college try” would consist of sleeping in for four years and not giving a damn. – Lee Curtis and Jon Berahya
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A day without sunshine is like, you know…night. – Steve Martin
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The early bird gets the worm. I’d rather sleep in and have toaster muffins. – Shirley Lipner
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Blood may be thicker than water, but it is still sticky, unpleasant, and generally nauseating. – Janeane Garofalo
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My mom always says, “Keep your chin up.” That’s how I ran into the door. – Daryl Hogue
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Where there’s a will, there’s a family fighting over it. – Buzz Nutley
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People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door. – Morey Amsterdam
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The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. – Flip Wilson
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They say when you die there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. When my father dies, he’ll see the light, make his way toward it, and then flip it off to save electricity. – Harland Williams
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away. My HMO also says that’s the best they can do for me. – Charlotte Lobb
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It’s true that misery loves company. If you ever doubt that, look at a No-Pest Strip. It’s covered with flies. You’d think that the first fly would tell any others “Go around! Go around!” – Margaret Smith
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If money can’t buy you happiness, then I guess I’ll have to rent it. – Weird Al Yankovic
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A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice. – Bill Cosby
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You are what you eat. Which makes me cheap, quick, and easy. – Dave Thomas
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Some say it’s what’s on the inside that counts. If that were true about women, Playboy would be running centerfolds of brain tissues and gall bladders. – Christy Murphy
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*A special thanks to “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown for providing me with these great quotes and to Google Images for providing me with these pictures.*
Tags: Comedy Thesaurus, Flip Wilson, George Carlin, Google Images, Harland Williams, Janeane Garofalo, Morey Amsterdam, Steve Martin
