It’s so weird all the different names they have for groups of animals. They have pride of lions, school of fish, rack of lamb… – Ellen DeGeneres
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If you look at a platypus, you think that God might get stoned, “OK, let’s take a beaver and put on a duck’s bill. It’s a mammal, but it lays eggs. Hey Darwin, kiss my ass!” – Robin Williams
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We’ve all done this, because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go “Mooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?” – Garry Shandling
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In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food. – Billy Crystal
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What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant? – George Carlin
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My feeling is, we ran from animals for three million years. It’s our time now. If a cow could eat you, it would. And it wouldn’t care how comfortable your truck ride over was, either. – Greg Proops
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A couple of rabbits were being chased by a pack of coyotes. They stopped in a haystack, and one rabbit said to the other, “We gonna make a run for it, or stay here and out number them?” – Red Skelton
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Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine. – Bill Vaughan
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They do a lot of animal testing in the cosmetics industry. Maybe they should brag about it in their commercials: “Aquanet hair spray, if it can blind a Spider Monkey, it can make your hair look luscious.” Or “Gillette, because four thousand bald squirrels can’t be wrong.” – Vernon Chapman
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I found a snake in my yard, and got a shovel and whacked the hell out of it. Then I didn’t have cable for a week. – Charlie Viracola
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To me, the most blatant example of cruelty to animals is the rotisserie. It’s just a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens. – Mitch Hedberg
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*A special thanks to “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown for providing me with these great quotes.*
Tags: Billy Crystal, Charlie Viracola, Ellen DeGeneres, Garry Shandling, George Carlin, Greg Proops, Mitch Hedberg, Vernon Chapman
Thanks to my favorite bad boy Kenny Grau, you can know for sure…
