The Comedy Corner is my newest segment.
[WARNING: this segment has crude language and does not necessarily reflect the ideas of the author of this post aka me. Take the following with a grain of salt. Thanks!]
The Comedy Corner was inspired by one of my favorite reference books, The Comedy Thesaurus: 3,241 Quips, Quotes, and Smartass Remarks by Judy Brown.
In this segment, I will share with you some of my favorite material picked from a topic at random!
Today’s topic: Alcohol
Coffee’s a drink that encourages a lot of accessories. Coffee cake, coffee table, coffee table book, clutches of people. Say what you want about alcohol, but not only are there not a lot of optional accessories, alcohol actually helps you get rid of things. Family, home, job, driver’s license. In fact, at a certain point, the only thing you have to remember to get is more alcohol. And maybe a rag for your squeegee. – Jerry Seinfeld
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Booze makes you loud. It’s written on the label: “Alcohol percent by volume.” – Mark Lundholm
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If you enjoy your alcohol, remember this: If you put your old, rotten used-up liver under your pillow, the Beer Fairy will leave you a keg. – Paul F. Tomkins
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The first purpose of alcohol is to make English your second language. You may be a Nobel prize physicist, but after nine, ten Heinekens you’re speaking fluent Drunken-ese. Next thing you know, you have a friend in a headlock, “I love ya, I love ya, that’s the kinda love I have for you, goddamn it.” – Robin Williams
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Jack Daniels, that is a wild man drink. It should come with bail money. Because on Jack you don’t know where you’re going to end up, but you know when you get there you’re not going to be wearing pants. – Dave Attell
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I was drinking tequila, and I was drinking grappa, which is Italian for gasoline. And I was drinking Jägermeister, which I believe is the liquid equivalent of Wonder Woman’s golden lasso, because it will make you tell anybody the truth for no reason whatsoever. “You have really bad skin. Thanks for the drink.” – Margaret Cho
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They’ve put warning labels on liquor. “Caution: Alcohol can be dangerous to pregnant women.” Did you read that? That’s ironic. If it weren’t for alcohol, most women would never be that way. – Rita Rudner
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. – George Carlin
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Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. “Goddamn it, Otto, you are an alcoholic.” “Goddamn it, Otto, you have Lupus.” One of those two doesn’t sound right. – Mitch Hedberg
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*A special thanks to “The Comedy Thesaurus” by Judy Brown for providing me with these great quotes.*
Tags: Comedy Corner, Dave Attell, George Carlin, Margaret Cho, Mitch Hedberg, Rita Rudner, Robin Williams, Wonder Woman
